If you’ve ever watched Men Behaving Badly then congratulations you had a TV growing up and are no doubt familiar with Tony (as played by Neil Morrissey). If you are unaware of what I just said please take a melon baller to your brain and remove unnecessary information to make space for such great BBC comedy. For ‘twas he who said “You can’t release me into the community” and, you know, coming to the end of my university education I am beginning to feel those words ring true myself.

Having spent three eternities further educating myself I can see why so many people dread finishing their degree. But then I think ‘No Andy you magnet of babes, there has to be some positive side to it’. So here I have compiled a totally non-bias list of the pros and cons of finishing university. Press ANY KEY to continue…

CONS

A return to the ‘real world’

This is probably at the forefront of many soon-to-be-ex-student’s mind. It’s the concept of leaving, what is for many of us, a lax and easy existence. We have become accustomed to our student-y nuances and the image of a future in which we are required to be out of bed at the crack of dawn as opposed to just getting into it is harrowing. The idea of the real world conjures up such horrors as: a full time job, bills, taxes and the loss of that wonderful phrase “thank you for my money Mr. Government”. Makes your blood curdle.

No more student discounts

Bye-bye HMV card. So long my plastic friend from Virgin Megastores. There goes my 10% off from Play.com. Tears will be shed. Black armbands will be worn. And, unfortunately, full prices will be paid from now on. Perhaps in the near future we will come to see what an insult it is to us model citizens that tax-avoiding, hair-cut-never-having, lazy student gits get loans from the rest of us and now they are being told they don’t have to pay full price for their CDs and DVDs. Just to add insult to injury. Get off my lawn! (Sorry, it was heading that way)

A feeling of uncertainty

Chances are that many students have hopped, skipped and vomited from one institution to the next from the age of about minus three. So the ever-approaching aspect of an uncertain future and the end of education as-they-know-it is bound to leave one feeling at a bit of a loss. Okay, you may have plans for getting work, moving back in with your parents and what-not, but who knows what’s round the corner? If I’ve learned anything from the Age of Empires franchise it’s that even God can’t see everything coming at him. And if God fails to know what’s going to happen, how are we mere mortals meant to cope?

The loss of smugness

There is no one on earth quite as smug as a student. Even Peter Stringfellow seems modest by comparison. The notion that we – as people in further education – are perhaps better than the conformist taxpayer who stands inline each and every day, working a despicable 9-5 that makes grown men cry glimmers on the façade of most deadbeat students such as we. But gone are those days. The dream has died and it’s time for us – like the rest – to don our suits and ties and grin and bear the future.

PROS

No more exams/assignments

This is technically a no-brainer. Remove out of the equation things like bill payments, loans and overdrafts, mortgages, unsettled fines, raising offspring, a life-threatening operation and dinner at your grandparents and university exams and assignments are the most pressuring thing to a human being in the whole multiverse. Nope, they aren’t really are they? But try telling that to someone taking a maths degree who’s got twelve exams to prepare for in the next nanosecond. In short: NO UNI WORK = GOOD.

Putting new skills into practice

Let’s face it you went to university for a reason. Albeit sometimes an asinine one (Mummy and Daddy paid for you didn’t they? Admit it). So it seems quite obvious that your being out in the real world is an exciting prospect in which you get to put your new-found knowledge to the test. Although, retrospectively, this may only work out for job-specific degrees (nursing etc.) I mean, I did Creative Writing. No bugger’s going to hire me for a job because I can write a short story about my knees. But I digress; I can still use my creative skills to wow the ladies.

Can’t stay in education forever

Okay so the future may not seem bright, nor may it appear to be any shade of orange (studies have shown it is actually more maroon) but there is no reason to assume that leaving university can’t be a good thing. Life is essentially put on hiatus while you try to better yourself: can’t afford to run a car, can’t get your own place (excluding designated student accommodations that are temporary anyway) so surely there is some upside to finishing fulltime education. Think of it as leaving prison and going into…a slightly bigger prison. But with more Subway outlets.

***

There were some obvious choices that I missed out on purpose such as ‘laughing churlishly at bodily functions’ and ‘consuming alcohol like you’re trying to cheat death’. This is largely due to the fact that, personally, I will be continuing to do these things long into my retirement. If I make it that far.