SAMPLES > God's Bullet
Are you ready
for me yet God? Is today the day? Do I finally get to meet you?
I load that gun
every morning. Just one bullet and then I spin the chamber. Only God knows where
that bullet is and it’s up to him to decide if that little projectile is going
to come out the back of my skull.
You may think
that I am a suicidal man but I can assure you I’m not. I live the best life that
I can. I live by my beliefs and serve my maker. And I do it with unbridled
gratitude and love. But each morning when I wake up, I reach for the Smith &
Wesson that’s inside my bedside table and insert the bullet; just the one
bullet. And I’m smiling when I do it. Most people when they get up will go and
brush their teeth and kiss their loved ones; I like to play Russian roulette
That’s what I
believe life is; a game of chance and luck. A game where there are no winners
and no draws. It’s a game where everybody ultimately comes out a loser. No,
loser is not really an appropriate word to use here. I don’t see death as
losing; it is something that is sealed in our mortal fates. Yet it upsets me
how, despite how advanced the human race has become, people are still frightened
by God’s giving and taking away of life. I suppose the way I live is sort of
like that whole cliché of not knowing when your time is up. I’m sure you have
heard of the line “Well you could get run over by a bus tomorrow”. That’s how I
feel everyday, only my quote is “God may decide to kill me today”. And that’s
another point really, when I pull that trigger and the bullet is in the correct
chamber does that make God a murderer? Or am I committing suicide? It’s not as
if I am intending to kill myself, I have no control over when that chamber stops
spinning and where the bullet comes to rest. That’s God’s choice, not mine.
Why am I doing
it? No particular reason. I love my life; I have a very good life. But I also
love my God and my religion. I am prepared to meet him and to thank him for
giving me – and indeed the entire universe – a wonderful existence.
many years as a pastor I have fulfilled my duties that I am positive will secure
me a spot in the palatial land of the afterlife. The Lord will smile at me and
thank me for doing good work on Earth. Do you remember two years ago when that
bomb was set off during that gay pride parade in America? That was me. Yes, God
was pleased that I sent those filthy heretics straight to Hell where they
belong. Two hundred and seventy three of those heathens are no doubt being
tortured at the very hands of Beelzebub himself. God does not want their kind in
So here I go. I
pick up His Smith & Wesson and lay it to rest in my palm, its very form is
perfect; barely a scratch or blemish upon it. The bullet is kept wrapped up in a
white handkerchief. I could just as easily leave the bullet loaded in the gun
and just spin the chamber every morning, but this way seems better. It feels a
lot more ritualistic. It’s like unwrapping the hanky every morning is my way of
telling God that I am ready to try again. I insert God’s bullet into a random
chamber: Just the one bullet; just the one chamber; just the one gun.
enters my mouth. The feel of cold metal against the edges of my teeth irritates
me, so I take care to make sure I avoid that and just rest it against my tongue.
The barrel tastes bitter. My eyes look skyward. I am looking up at Heaven hoping
that my creator is smiling at me. What is he thinking? He knows what will happen
when I finally pull the trigger. He knows where that bullet is. Is he going to
kill me? Does he feel I am ready to enter his Kingdom and bask in his infinite
mightiness? We shall see.
With a prayer
in my thought and hope in my heart I press my thumb against the trigger and give
it its daily squeeze. I hear nothing, not even the clicking sound. I am
instantly thrown back against my wall where I collapse to my knees. I then slump
to the ground and the force rattles my rib cage. My vision is blurry and objects
appear non-descript. I cannot hear. He finally did it. He wants to meet me at
long last. I am happy. I will enter Heaven and smile upon my God. A light of
pure brilliance engulfs my sight and the surrounding objects that were barely
visible are wiped clean like a graffiti-ridden wall that gets covered over with
white paint. I’m waiting for my maker who is in Heaven. I’m waiting for His
Where are you,
Where are you?
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