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Das Ist Gut, Ja? Ever sat down on your Tiffany leather sofa with a glass of Tempranillo in-hand and switched on your 42-inch Samsung HD Plasma TV to a good old fashioned porno? No? OK then. Ever watched a scrambled channel of people gushing on each other while you sat in your shed at night? In your underpants? While the family were asleep? OK good, that’s a start. If you’re like me then chances are you never really get to the end of your favourite skin flick. Chances are greater still that the volume of said flick is barely audible. But do you know who I kind of feel sorry for? Porn voice-over artists. The very notion that someone has been hired (or perhaps lured off the street with promises of a hot meal) to dub the voices of some foreign sweaty naked person panting things like “Ja! Meine Penis ist groß” does seem a little superfluous for those of us that prefer to utilise the mute button. (Ah the mute button, truly a gift from God. And intercepted by us perverts)
And it’s not just the dialogue that gets translated, the moans and groans do too. Now, that’s either a special kind of skill that only few posses the ability to do without cringing at the sounds of their own faked orgasm sounds, or people do actually pay attention to what’s being said in a porno. Personally I’m still getting my head wrapped around the idea that porn films even have script writers. Which, to me, seems like the easiest job in the world. Next to bed testing and bodyguard for Genghis Khan. This is what I imagine the average porn screenplay would look like: INT. GARAGE – NIGHT A provocatively
dressed woman approaches WOMAN MAN WOMAN (beginning
to undress) MAN (raising one
eyebrow) They have sex for
27 solid minutes in positions that you END. Add in some wah-pedal-oriented guitar work. And a plumber. And there you have it. Fuck this I’m copyrighting that screenplay. I think I’m onto something here. On a completely unrelated note, I’m on day 2 of my new job at GAME. Oh yes sir. |
