That’s another thing I dislike about working in retail (there’s a theme running here can you tell?): those eager people who try to come into the shop when clearly we’re not open. This usually occurs once or twice a day, usually five or so minutes before I open up, or just after I close up for the evening. Little hint for anyone who fits into this category: the “Closed” sign on the (evidently locked) door is there for a reason!

Perhaps someone could fill me in on this, but I seriously have trouble understanding why people have this sudden urge to try and batter the door down when we’re closed because…because those items on sale are imperative to yours, and your families’, welfare. For fucks sake people, the shop is open from 9am until 5:30pm at the very latest. That’s 8 ½ hours of fun-time shopping you could be having throughout the day. And if that’s not enough, we’re open 6 days a week! That’s 51 glorious hours of open time and yet you choose to make your appearance as the sun is dying down. If what you need is that important, come during peak times. I don’t like you and I don’t want you in my place of work, but seriously it’s your best bet to getting whatever it is you need to stop you going postal on your neighbourhood.

I think it’s safe to assume that I have a somewhat unhealthy disdain for the customer-types. So making several blog entries that chronicle every little irritating habit of them does seem a little bit superfluous and perhaps even makes it seem like I’m whinging.

And I am. To my hearts content. Fuck you customers. Fuck you everyday.

So maybe I am just a Bernard Black-esque cynic who is disgusted and scornful at the kinds of people that hobble their way into my workplace. Whatever, I can hardly claim to be a loner in this clique of western civilisation that shares the same hatred for the hordes of mouth-breathers who empty their wallets and purses back into the economy. Yeah yeah, we all do it I know, spare me the earache about how much of a hypocrite I am. I know I’m a hypocrite, but just like being an alcoholic, admitting to it makes me much more of a respectable person.

So now I’ve come to a decision since this morning’s interruption by the shrivelled up anorak rattling the door frame waiting for her fix of dry fruit like a bingo hall version of a crack addict: Compulsory education in proper customer etiquette should hereby come into effect throughout the country.

Citizens would attend mandatory classes in the proper way to conduct themselves when out and about shopping and not doing more important things like beating up children. Or whatever it is normal people do on their day off. They would be required, by law (that is to say my law) to pass these classes before being set loose onto the unsuspecting retail world. Think about how wonderful a place it would be for those of us that have to deal with customers on a daily basis. Imagine the scenarios that would take place:

SLAVE: “I’m sorry sir, we do not appear to have **** in stock at the moment.”
CUNT: “That’s quite alright good man, it’s not terribly important anyway. Here, have my wife’s vagina.”

Good, honest, simple exchanges of conversation like the one above would make my job, plus thousands of others, that little bit more bearable.

Think about the different classes they would be required to attend. Some I came up with (feel free to include some of your own):
 

Reading Price Tags Properly 101

Ever get a customer that approaches your till, places their item in front of you, and after you’ve scanned it and informed them of the price, they’ve gawped at you quizzically for a second? “But, the tag over there says it’s…” No! Wrong! That’s not the right price tag you were looking at before is it? I’m afraid you fail the module. Do you have glaucoma or something? Oh, you do. Well…my condolences.

Another one for you:
 

Acknowledging Others Around You

Stopwatches will be required for this one. The customer is required to pay for their items, put them into their bag, put away their change and remove themselves from the test area within the designated time as a queue forms behind them. Actually, forget the stopwatches. Let’s make it timed explosives strapped to their head. Please don’t tell me you are too old and decrepit to see where you left your purse not seven seconds ago. You passed Reading Price Tags Properly 101 so I know you have good eyesight.

Top Phrases We Hear Everyday And Thus Do Not Want To Hear Again

No, you are not witty or clever or funny, and yes we have heard that exact same sentence time and time again. Just no! Example:

SLAVE: “Would you like a bag for those sir?”
CUNT: “No no, got to try and save the planet [chortle].”

Oh how hilarious! Wow, if only I had your keen sense of wit my good man! Tell me that again for I have never heard it until you said it just now. Oh how glad I am that you were able to brighten up my day with such a droll statement!

Instant failure for anyone who can’t stop themselves from uttering the following in their designated situations:

“Ho ho I guess it must be free then” [said after item won't scan]
“Nice weather. For ducks! Snigger” [said during rain]
“No I’m trying to save the planet” [as above]
“I bet you get a headache after that” [said in response to bands playing outside/radio being on loud]
“I’ll resist buying anymore before I get tempted” [said because you're a twat]

General Behaviour In Times Of Misfortune

This will be the final year dissertation. This will determine the final grade and whether or not the person is qualified to handle basic transactions in a shopping environment. It will involve the use of the phrase “Sorry sir, we don’t have that in stock.” being used by the examiner. Marks will be deducted for each strop, whinge, heavy sigh, storming off, insult, raised voice, resulting hostage situation, or any combination of those.

Do you see how it works? Education people! Educate them in the proper way to behave in or around built up commercial areas and together we can fly up into space. Or whatever it was Bill Hicks used to say.